Unfortunately, this blissful state doesn’t last forever. The speaker is really saying, ‘Here’s what I feel, and what I need from you.’” Rekindle Sexual Chemistryĭuring the early phase of marriage, many couples barely come up for air due to the excitement of falling in love. Gottman says, “This requires a mental transformation from what is wrong with one’s partner to what one’s partner can do that would work. Gottman, expressing a positive need is a recipe for success for both the listener and the speaker because it conveys complaints and requests without criticism and blame. Both partners need to talk about their feelings in terms of positive need, instead of what they do not need.Īccording to Dr. This means turning toward one another by showing empathy, instead of being defensive. Practicing emotional attunement can help you stay connected even when you disagree. Gottman explains that couples who want to rekindle their passion and love need to turn towards each other. Focus on meeting your partner’s needs and communicating your own needs in a loving, respectful way. In other words, if you’re hoping to improve your physical relationship, you need to first work on your emotional connection. Foster Emotional IntimacyĪ good sexual relationship is built on emotional intimacy and closeness. John Gottman’s research on thousands of couples discovered partners that get stuck in this pattern in the first few years of marriage have more than an 80% chance of divorcing in the first four to five years. Sue Johnson identifies the pattern of demand-withdraw as the “Protest Polka” and says it is one of three “Demon Dialogues.” She explains that when one partner becomes critical and aggressive, the other often becomes defensive and distant.ĭr. Kendra seeks out Jason for sexual intimacy and Jason often pulls away.Īccording to experts, the most common reason couples lose their passion for each other and stop being sexually intimate is a pursuer-distancer pattern that develops over time. However, over the last few years, their sex life has dwindled and they rarely spend time together without their children. I don’t have any energy left by the time I hit the bed at night.”īy all accounts, Kendra and Jason were passionate during the early years of their marriage. Even though we don’t have sex much anymore, it just seems like a phase we’re going through. When Kendra drops this bombshell, Jason responds, “I thought we were doing okay, I really did. Kendra puts it like this: “I love Jason, but the passion just isn’t there anymore.” Most of their conversations are about work, chores, their kid’s activities, and mundane aspects of their stale marriage. Jason and Kendra have been married for 12 years and have three children.
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